The loss of Kayleigh Wilson

The death of this poor little 12 year old girl in our community compelled me to comment as a physician and a parent.

So many dangers were inherent in Kayleigh Wilson’s young life. She apparently spent time hanging out with other kids in a mall. She walked alone in a commercial part of town. She lived in a home that housed an older teenage boy.

And when left to their own decisions, kids will sometimes make unhealthy ones. Impulse control, decision making and sexuality centers of the brain are still developing in teens and preteens. The pressure to have sex can be very strong for young girls who receive attention from older boys. Girls this age are unlikely to understand their risks of infection, pregnancy, abuse and assault. Spending time with an older boy would likely mean meeting or spending time with his older friends, further increasing her risk.

Healthy, happy 12 year old girls hopefully spend time in safe places with their school work, families, girlfriends and in supervised activities.

It can be hard to remember that preteens and teenagers are kids—not young adults. They need enough of our guidance and supervision to keep them safe along the path to maturity and independence.

My heart goes out to Kayleigh’s family as they go through this difficult time.

Media portrayals of women damage our daughters

As a gynecologist, I am increasingly concerned about the pressures our daughters encounter while growing up. One of the most devastating and unhealthy influences on girls today is how women are portrayed in the media.

TV, movies, magazines, modern music, the internet, advertising, video games, phones and iPods are now a huge part of many of our children’s lives. And these media regularly assault our girls with images of unnatural and unusually attractive bodies. The biggest problem with this is that children including teens think that the media is a mirror of what is normal and desirable. Therefore seeing so many unnatural and unusually attractive bodies leads our girls to be more unsatisfied with their own bodies than ever before.

Female characters in media are also showing more skin than ever. Seriously — can you believe how many tops of pushed up breasts, flat tummies, smooth thighs and bottoms of butt cheeks peaking out of way too short shorts on TV and movies we see now days?  Since kids think what they see on a screen is normal, it leads our girls to think they should dress scantily like the women they see.  

Today’s female models are often sickly thin. You know the type–  if the poor woman got ill, she looks like she would need immediate IV nutrition to survive because there are absolutely no reserves on board!

These images send a strong message to our girls. This message that a thin body with big breasts and beautiful skin is very common and the only body form that is attractive and desirable as a female, is especially destructive at a time when childhood obesity is on the rise. Girls with even normal body weights now feel pressured to be thinner than they are because of seeing so many unusually thin bodies.

To make matters worse, while female characters in media are often unusually physically attractive, male characters often aren’t. Hmmm – a double standard. It seems that other character qualities like intelligence, strength, sense of humor, power, wealth and kindness are portrayed as being just as important as physique for males in media.

But for female characters, the quality portrayed as most important is often – you guessed it- a sexually attractive body! Girls may think this means that their bodies have a lot to do with how happy and worthy they are, which isn’t true. Since very few of us have swimsuit model figures (or if we do, we don’t for long), this thought can lead to depression, low self-esteem, eating disorders and even substance use like smoking in our girls. It can cause long lasting unhappiness and decreased libido in adult women.

Women are often shown acting sexually in media, which leads our girls to believe that acting sexually is important for success (which of course it isn’t).  Here’s a shocking fact for you: studies show that the more hours of media a girl is exposed to, the more likely she is to engage in early sexual activity! That is because media commonly show teens being sexually active and portray it as being normal and common. (It is also very unfortunate that the risks of having teenage sex are usually not shown.)

So how can we minimize the influence of these abundant unhealthy female images on our daughters? Here are things you can do to help your daughters grow up with healthy body images and self-esteem. What you say as an adult really does make a difference in what your kids believe. 

1.   Try to limit your daughter’s exposure to all non-educational media.  Decreasing the dose of unhealthy images minimizes the damage. The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends that children including teens be limited to a total of one to two hours of any non-educational media each day (TV, gaming, movies, internet, phones, iPods etc).

2.   Watch and listen to media with your daughters.  When you notice unrealistic or unhealthy portrayals of females on the screen, make a short comment.

Let’s say you’re watching a show in which the lead characters become sexually involved early in their relationship (happens all the time in movies, right?). You could say, “They hardly know each other but they slept together. Seems like movies show that a lot.”

Glance at a magazine she is reading, and say something like, “It’s so wierd how magazine ads only have super pretty, thin women in them. There’s hardly anyone that looks like that- at least I don’t know anyone.   It’s too bad though, because it can make us normal women want to look like her and feel bad when we don’t. But fortunately, it doesn’t matter. In real life, people are happy when they have fun with people they love, no matter what they look like.”

3.  Tell your kids the truth- that lasting happiness isn’t a function of body type. Even movie stars with beautiful bodies are often unhappy people. Those folks even pay to have their bodies changed (plastic surgeons in Hollywood make a killing I am sure). A body may look nice for a while, but has nothing to do with being a good friend or mate!  Relationships built only on physical attraction generally don’t last.

4.   Get your girls involved in supervised activities and help them concentrate on other things that can make them happy and  successful like schoolwork, music, sports, hobbies, friendships, faith and family.  Studies show that participation in organized sports increases self-esteem in girls.

5.  Address obesity in girls from a medical standpoint and not from a beauty standpoint. For all body types, eating healthy and exercising make people feel good and have more energy. Show  your kids how to do this by doing it yourself, or even together.  Making healthy meals and exercising are great family projects that bring you together. Of course you want to avoid over-emphasizing healthy eating though, which may make your daughter obsess over food or want junk food even more.

6.  Compliment your daughter regularly on little nice qualities she has, including physical and personality qualities. 

“I love your laugh.”  “You are so sweet. I am so lucky to have you.” “You’re such a good friend to your girlfriends.” “That was really witty- you crack me up.” “You did a great job. I am so proud of you.” “I love being with you and just hanging out.” “You have pretty legs honey.”  Your toes are so cute- want me to give you a pedicure for fun?” “You have such a pretty smile.” “What beautiful hands you are getting as you grow.” “Your hair is so shiny and pretty today. Do you want me to brush it while you do your homework?” “What a cute outfit.”

Bottom line… let your daughter know that you value her for who she is and just because she is yours. That kind of attention will help her transcend all sorts of pressures including the negative effects of media.

That’s it for now!  More detailed information on how to help children grow up happy with healthy behaviors and body images can be found in our award winning book, 7 Skills for Parenting Success. Available on Amazon.com and BarnesandNoble.com.

How to stop your kids from arguing with you

How to stop your kids from arguing with you

Children today often debate their parents about whether or not they need to obey and do what their parents ask. This is especially true of today’s pre-teens and teenagers. And parents often find themselves unprepared to stop these debates, allowing themselves to be engaged in these type of “discussions”  with their kids for hours.  Parents also often find themselves giving in to their kids’ wishes because they argue so much (not a good thing!).

Well, do we have good news for you! There are proven tools that you can use to stop debates in their tracks.  But most importantly, it is best to learn how to avoid debates and arguments from your children in the first place. You can do this by knowing:

• Which limits on behavior to set (choosing your battles).
• What things are reasonable to expect children to do.
• The best ways to ask children to do something so they will do it without arguing,
• How to use something called open communication with kids to discuss something you disagree on.
• How to enforce your limits using consequences.
• How to form close, caring relationships with your children.

In this blog entry, we’ll show you how to stop a debate already in progress.

Often when children are told to do something, they don’t do it.  Instead they try to argue or debate with you the merits of doing what they have just been told.  Many times parent get so drawn into the debate that their children end up not doing what they were told to do in the first place.  For successful parenting, these debates need to be stopped.  Here is how you can do it. 

1.            Name their behavior. For example, say, “When you tell me that it isn’t your turn to clean the kitchen, that is arguing with me, and that isn’t allowed.”

2.            Calmly but firmly repeat what you asked them to do or not to do in the first place and steadily gaze into their eyes. Try not to show emotion.  For example, say, “I told you not to go out tonight with your friends, and so you will not go out.”

3.            If they don’t do (or agree to do) what you asked, then say, “We can talk more about this after you agree to do what I asked.” Or, try changing the subject. Perhaps say, “Now what shall we have for dinner?”

4.            If children continue to state their reasons for not obeying, this is an attempt to wear you down so that you will give up and give them what they want. Calmly say, “I won’t  talk to you anymore about this now. We can talk more about it tomorrow if you want, but for now you need to do what I say.”   Then calmly leave the area! DON’T TALK– JUST WALK!

If a child still won’t obey, then you can use an “action limit”. This is basically where you tell the child which consequence will happen if he or she doesn’t obey.

Detailed instructions for these and other important tools for today’s parents can be found in our award winning book, 7 Skills for Parenting Success. It can be purchased online at Amazon.com and BarnesandNoble.com.

Welcome!

In today’s complex world, it takes more than love and luck to raise children who grow into successful adults. It takes some skill, too!

We are pleased to offer you research proven tips and tools that can help you succeed with your children while lowering your stress. Beginning in March, 2010, we will be posting keys to the most common problems and issues facing parents today.

We are a child psychologist/physician author team raising our own children very successfully using these methods. Complete, easy to read instructions for raising emotionally healthy and well-behaved children are in our award winning book, 7 Skills for Parenting Success. It is available on Amazon.com and BarnesandNoble.com.

Our blog posts will include proven discipline methods that promote emotional health for you and your children. We’ll discuss ways to help your children be resilient, respectful, responsible, motivated, successful in school, and resistant to drugs, alcohol, criminal behavior, and early sexual activity. How to prevent and handle behavior problems, get kids to listen and build life-long relationships with them will be presented. Parents today also need tools to manage bad influences such as a child’s undesirable friends and exposure to violence and sex in so many media forms in our modern culture.

We hope would be happy to answer questions and comments that you may have. Thank you for joining us!